Extreme Design

This week it seems I decided, unknowingly, not to continue to with the usual study but embark upon a stomach churning adventure. Which, in hindsight, I have no hesitation in recommending for classification as an extreme sport. The journey began as reading week came crashing to an end. All that I hope to comfortably achieve was now traumatising my mind as I desperately tried to float off to firework land but with no avail. The pressure I felt over the weekend was tremendous and I began to resent the commitments I had made which were, ever increasingly, eating away at any remnant of freedom I once enjoyed. So the familiar blackness of Sunday evening enveloped my mind and exhaustion prevailed once more.

I awoke Monday, unsurprisingly, in a state of despondency. Still questioning my decisions and contemplating a move to the HNC. The only positive was the fact I had got out of bed and I still was determined to go to college, even though I felt grossly unprepared for the presentations, which I had once been looking forward to. So I arrived at college after practising my talk to a number of unappreciative and unresponsive roads, vehicles and trees. My mind felt a little more settled more in the fact I had accepted my fate and a gentle slide into insanity.

The atmosphere at college was sombre, there was to be no gentle re-introduction, we’d hit the ground but were we running? My only comfort was in the fact I believed in myself and my ability to ‘fly by the seat of my pants’, as I’d done fair too regularly in my teaching career. So with wings desperately flapping I bumbled through my presentation to Steve. Steve who I knew I’d let down by not keeping up the correct level of communications in emails and blogs. I didn’t feel good, I didn’t feel in control and overall a huge wave of disappointment washed over me. Only I could take responsibility for the emotions I was experiencing and the slight burst of relief at completion of the talk was not enough.

My anxiety stayed with me for the rest of the day. I was impatient to know my grades for the first 2 units, as I was certain this would seal my fate. However, my spirits were greatly lifted by talking with the other members of the group. It helped me to re-focus and appreciate what life is really about; enjoyment. So I decided to just go with the flow and make the most of what was left of the day. I guess this was wishful thinking and as we re-grouped after lunch the atmosphere once again became suffocating.

My emotions were still in a state of turmoil, I questioned my every decision; about travelling, my financial commitments, how neglectful I’ve been of people closet to me, all in order to succeed on the course. What had it all been for? I had re-signed myself to a referral, a referral which would create a work load I felt I simply couldn’t cope with………then suddenly, I heard the word ‘pass’.

Confusion…….relief……..guilt……..compassion……..emptiness.

Now a few days on things are settling down and introduction of the new units helped to wash away the emotional perspiration which had clung so defiantly to my skin. Once again the realisation of why I’m putting myself through it all is with me again; the passion I have for Design or Art! So I’m back inspired, stimulated and enjoying being amongst others who share my passion.

I just want to congratulate everyone on their achievements so far regardless of their results, we have all worked so hard. Equally I was in admiration of how professionally everyone dealt with the difficult situation we were faced with. Each and every one of you have my respect.